Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

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Maintenance Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post because everything I think of sounds terrible. I've been re-reading my old posts and, to be honest, 6 months later I still feel the same. As one of my New Year resolutions, I said I would only step on the scale on Fridays. Guess what? After the last maintenance update I've been checking my weight every single day. If you're following my insta account, then you know my body fat percentage has gone from 22% in December to 25% in May. Not only was this hugely demotivating, but it made me paranoid that I'm moving backwards on this journey. My goal is still a body fat percentage of 20 (and I feel confident that I will reach it eventually) but every day is a struggle - often mingled with feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I still feel like I'm fat (or at least fatter than most people). Why is it that other people - who weigh the same as me or even more - have a completely flat stomach and I still have a flabby muffin top? I know we all have different bodies, but really? This seems unfair. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long it will take to undo 25 years of damage. Will I ever reach my goals?

Sometimes the most unexpected things upset me the most. When a friend says "you're so lame" after I refuse a shot. When a family member says "you're taking this too far". I might be overly sensitive, but those words play on my mind. I start to wonder if they're right... I wake up at 5 for gym and finish work at 6. I cook, I do dishes, I go to sleep. Repeat. I start to question what my life has become - Am I boring now? What do I do with my time? Do my friends even like me? I realise that many people won't understand my journey - and that's fine - but it still hurts when what I deem hard work is met with criticism and disdain.

What did I tell you? It all sounds terrible. It sounds as if between cooking, work, and the gym, I sit in my room weeping. This is not the case. After maintaining my goal weight for 6 months... I'm proud. I'm confident. I celebrate small victories.

I'm really happy with how my relationship with food has changed. It's the little things that I'm most proud of: knowing that I need a colourful plate of food with 50% veggies, eating a big breakfast full of healthy protein. I've changed my frame of mind from a life of indulgence to a life of balance. Well, I'm slowly getting there at least. I'm trying to eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm stressed, and not when I'm bored. I fail miserably a lot of the time but, the point is, I'm more aware of it now.

I like how I'm pushing my body. People love to comment "oh you're taking it too far, you're pushing yourself too much" but I'm doing things with my body that I never thought was possible for me. I never thought I'd start pole dancing, hanging upside down, and holding on for dear life with the back of my leg. It makes me feel brave and in control of my own life, and I think that's what people don't understand. My friends and family see it as fitness taking over my life, but I see it as me taking back control of my own health, body, and fitness.

I have this stuck on my fridge: Don't be scared to be alone. Goals are personal. No matter what issues I have regarding my family, my friends or my body image... I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago, I'm pushing harder, and that's all that matters.

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G&T on Insta!

Gym & Tonic is finally on Instagram! I'm posting everyday things from my new maintenance lifestyle - quick recipes, meal ideas, smoothies, and some fitspiration. 

Insta handle: @gym.and.tonic.blog

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Maintenance Update

Since reaching my weight goal almost two months ago, I've put on almost two kilos.
I'm not trying to make excuses, but I believe this weight gain can be attributed to two major changes in my life:

1. I changed jobs

The new job is very demanding. Long hours, tight deadlines. I've been eating a LOT of snacks and especially sugary foods to pick me up at 5pm.

I only get home at 6.30 (at best). This means I cook late, eat late, and then sleep on a full stomach. It's the WORST thing you can do for weight maintenance - or even your health in general.

2. I've been doing weight training 5 days a week

This isn't permanent, thank god. Since January, my trainer has wanted us to get our strength back (post-festive season) and move up a level (get off the plateau). This means I've been getting up at 5 almost every single day to do strength training... and THAT means no time or energy for cardio.

I'm sad that I haven't quite managed to maintain my goal weight, but I'm happy I've recognized and addressed my issues before it can get any worse. By the end of March I'll be back to my evening cardio routine, and I plan to stop eating carbs past 5pm.

I've discovered how hard it can be to maintain your weight when you're super stressed - I get out of a 3 hour meeting and just want to stuff my face with all the carby sugary cheesy goodness this universe has to offer. You forget all your goals, you forget you're trying to stay healthy - all that your heart desires is to drown your problems in decadent indulgence. I have a long journey ahead of me and a LOT of learning to do.

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New Year Resolutions

This week was my very last day at Weight Watchers. After you've reached your goal weight, you have to maintain it for 6 weeks to become a lifetime member. By some miracle, I have managed to maintain 54.8kg through a holiday of hotel buffets, very little exercise, and New Year's indulgence.

 

What better way to kick off the new year? Starting the year at a happy, healthy goal weight...
My immediate feeling, however, was not one of elation, but rather of fear. I've spent exactly two years of my life on Weight Watchers. Every Monday afternoon I would attend a weigh-in wearing the lightest clothing I could find and get on the scale with fingers crossed. What do I do now? How do I proceed to live a normal life?

I'm not usually one for new year's resolutions, but this year I'm making an exception. To help maintain my weight (and keep my sanity) I'm setting new goals to work towards. For starters, I want to change my habits at the gym. When I was still trying to lose, I would compulsively get on the scale every single day. I would get on pre-workout, post-workout, post-pee... I tried desperately to change the numbers flashing at me. So this year I'm only stepping on the scale on Fridays.

I'm also endeavouring to put more effort into my appearance. What's the use in losing all this weight but still keep my outdated baggy clothing? I'm trying to make calculated decisions when it comes to clothing purchases - no more baggy dresses, no more lace, no more drab colours. I'm trying to start a whole new wardrobe of mature, well-fitted clothing that will make me feel as different as I look.

My journey to clean eating has been a slow but steady process. Every now and then I'll stuff my face with oily, salty goodness (often referred to as chips), but for the most part I eat pretty well. Clean eating means avoiding refined, processed foods and rather eating real whole foods like lean proteins, whole grains, and plenty fruit and veg. This wonderful woman Shira Bocar is the goddess of delicious clean recipes and I hope to cook more like her this year.

Lastly, I have two main fitness goals:
1. To do a full wide-armed pull up without assistance.
2. To do a free handstand without the wall.
Seems easy enough? Well, it's not. You go try that handstand. It's a bitch.

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