A Broken, Shattered Heart

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Life Lately: An Extensive Update!

It has been a while, little blog of mine.

Is anyone still here? I do not deserve for you to be; but if you are, thank you so much for stopping by and still checking in to see if I have written a new post. 

To help put incorrect assumptions and rumors to rest about what is going on with me and my life, I wanted to finally share an update. This will probably be quite a long post -- most of mine usually are as I love to write, so bare with me while I spill out an abundance of words to try and articulate what has been going on in my life over the past several months. 

First, a picture of the sunrise from my office this morning. It was absolutely beautiful!

I have wanted to write a post updating happenings going on in my life for a while now, but honestly, I have been exhausted. Life for me, as it usually is, has been nonstop; even more so than normal. Because of that, I kept pushing new blog posts back. 

I receive comments and messages regularly from my friends and readers asking when I am going to return to blogging. Every time I received one, I felt a surge of guilt for going so long without writing not just new posts, but posts without good content. I am not deserving of people so adamantly wanting to read my thoughts, advice, and stories. I will never get used to receiving comments like that, but they are everything to me. I truly mean that.

Contrary to the above, I received several messages and comments from a few readers saying "they were giving up on me". Some would state they were disappointed I stopped writing, I seemed to have completely given up on heath and fitness, and that they could no longer follow me on social media. 

I am shocked that people follow my blog that closely and would feel that type of "attachment". More so, I am honored that some people felt that way, however, hurt and embarrassment overcome that feeling because I hate to let people down, especially when it comes to my blog. Writing and blogging are my passions, thus to have people "give up on me" sucks. There is no other way to put it.  If by chance, those who stated they have "given up on me" are reading this; know that I am sorry, but I am human. 

Living on such a strict health and fitness plan for weight loss is very, very hard. I did it for a year and lost 70 pounds, but I went through a lot. I constantly wrote about trying to find "balance" in my life, which I really did not have. I worked about 70 hours a week (my job and blogging), trained 6 days a week for at least 90 minutes, and the other spare time was spent creating new content such as recipes or research, running errands, taking care of my home, etc. I was consumed by nonstop duties and tasks. 

It was hard work and exhausting, but I will admit, it was very rewarding. Around the beginning of October, however, I was became extremely burned out with it all. I was losing my passion rapidly.

Along with my decreasing passion and burnout with all things "work" related, I started to "hurt" more. I felt something was physically wrong with me. As time went by, my symptoms grew worse and worse. I had no idea what was wrong, and apparently my doctors and specialists did not either.

Over the past 3 months, I have been to more doctor and specialists appointments than I care to share. It took many sleepless nights, horrible pain, a misdiagnosis, three unsuccessful medications, and two re-diagnosis's to finally figure out what the hell was going on. The money I have spent and will continue to spend is astounding and quite disheartening at 25 years old. 

But I am finally feeling better. I am finally, finally, feeling like myself again. I am able to smile... feel simple pleasures, be motivated... dream. 

For the past few months I have been void of all of that. That is how much pain I was in; both mentally and physically. I have literally been on my new medication for a little over a week, so my finally feeling like "me" again is very recent.  I am not ready to share everything that went on with my health, yet. Maybe I will sometime because I am so close with my readers... well, I am positive I will once I fight through it more, but just know it has absolutely been a hard battle for me over the past few months. It affected every part of my life. 

Since I started my blog, I have written a LOT about my job. 

I work a lot and I love what I do. It is not my passion like writing is, but I do love my role as an Office Manager and in Human Resources. Since I started at my company, I have really tried to prove myself. I have, but it has been very tiring... I have written about that a lot as well. 

It paid off, though. I received a promotion at the beginning of the year. That was fantastic, but I work a lot more. My "break time" or  "down time" at work is nonexistent, and even when I get home a lot of days, I work. 

Devoting that much time to my job on top of my health issues took a lot out of me. I was not very happy or optimistic... I was simply trying to get through the days. I felt like I had nothing to give anyone, which is part of the reason why I did not blog. 

Thankfully now, I have established a productive routine and can handle my increased workload and stress better. I also have wonderful co-manager's who let me know how appreciated I am -- their small gestures lately have meant the world to me.

Additionally, a couple of weeks ago I created and implemented my company's first ever new employee orientation program! I completed the project alone; down to every last little detail (see the setup on bottom left corner) and that was a very proud moment for me!

I have been with boyfriend Johnathan over 4 months now. It feels like a lifetime, though. We have been through so much together. He has stood beside of me through everything with my health and job. He has stayed up with me all night when I was in pain-- even though he would have to work the next day. He would take me to appointments, stay the entire time, pick up medicines... there was nothing he would not do-- and does not do for me. 

He is my best friend and my love. We have so much fun together and are constantly silly and laughing. To me, that is one of the best parts of being with him. Because life is not just about me, and I actually get to share it with a partner, I am on the go more. I do not sit with my laptop every evening and write. To be frank, it felt great to not do that, too. It has given me a chance to miss writing. It has provided me new ideas and new experiences. 

J and I fell hard, and we fell fast. We have had a lot of ups, downs, twists, and turns in our 4 months, but everyday gets better and is more fantastic. We have made a home together, He makes me feel adored... like a queen. I feel like the most beautiful woman who ever lived. I love the way he loves me, and I am so very excited for our future together. Like I have said before, the year of being single (which included a lot of heartache and loneliness) was completely worth it as it led me to this point in life.

Aside from my health, work, and relationship, my father's health has been steadily declining, and at a rapid pace. My friends and readers know my family has been through hell with his cancer over the past 4 years. It has been the craziest rollercoaster of good news/bad news, and now it is finally coming to an end. That has been hard to accept. My father's fear and pain have kept me up many nights. Trying to accept the fact that he will never walk me down the aisle at my wedding or hold a grandchild is harder to process than I thought it would be. 

I have finally reached a place where I am more accepting of what is to come, but the pain is still there. I have kept my family at an even more top priority because of this-- especially since I live nearly 3 hours away. 

From here...

Finally, for a few days now, I am becoming the woman I was before. I feel like myself again. I am back to having energy, feeling motivated, and working hard with a smile on my face. I have said before that "finding balance" is an immense struggle for me, but I am going to work on that.

Now that I am feeling that myself again and normal (I never knew how amazing just feeling "normal" could be), I am ready to get back in my routine fitness training and healthy eating. My life is very different now, so it is a brand new life for me to write about! Admittedly, I have gained about 15 pounds since October so I am back at 45 pounds to lose, but that excites me. It totally sucks when I see myself nude though, ugh. However, I welcome the challenge. I now need to make my weight loss a priority on top of a partner and demanding job. It's brand new material to write about and a new journey to take. 

I plan on being back to this blog-- I am just going to ease my way into it. I hope if you are reading this, you will stay and follow along this journey with me. I always say "we are in this together" and I mean it. Your guys comments, messages, and emails truly keep me going and mean the world to me. 

See you soon!

PS: I am getting highlights this weekend. (Oh yeah, Fitness Blondie is coming back -- literally! Ha!)

PPS: My two contact emails listed on my blog are down right now and have been for a while now (from what I know). Please email me at TaylorLizAnne@yahoo.com if you would like to say hello or have a question/comment.

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New Year. New You. New Start? The Choice is Yours.

Upon reading posts on Facebook, browsing pins on Pintrests, and seeing pictures on Instagram, I find that that "new years" often makes people cynical. There are those that mock the "new year, new me" mentality, and then there are people who are desperate for it. I see both sides. 

What I believe most about a "new year" is that nothing in your life will change or be different unless you are willing to work for it. Circumstances do not change unless you do.

Here we are six days into 2015. I feel tried. I am worn out from the holidays. Work has been as crazy and hectic as ever; and I find myself stating that constantly. I believe I need to come to the conclusion that is not going to change. Parallel to work, there was copious amounts of travel, lack of sleep, lots of food, and RLS flare-up's. 

I think a lot of us feel worn out from the holidays and sad that they are over. Therefore, a "new year" mentality is just the bit of hope to get one back on track and provide a goal to work and hope for. Right now, I need that. 

But then I remember that everyday is a new start if you give it that power. No matter how many times you have slipped on your diet, said "no" to a workout, bought that purse when you needed to save the money... everyday is another chance to get it right. Everyday is another chance to try again. Do not focus on that bad choices of yesterday, focus on how you can make positive choices today... right now.

That is what I am going to do. I have let loose, enjoyed myself thoroughly, and now I need to get back to work. Life is all about "finding the balance", and I am glad I enjoyed myself and veered off of my normal tightly structured schedule, as it enabled me to breathe and try new things, which also resulted in me missing my structure! For a while I was bored of it... now I crave it. 

This is a new year, and it is bringing an abundance of changes for me-- a big part is sharing my life with someone else now. Which in itself is a fun, new journey, though stressful at times. 

Take control and be kind to yourself. A lot of people are in that "after holiday" slump. Ease into a new routine that implement the changes you want to make in your life. Diving in too hard into those changes can result in drowning yourself -- crashing and burning. Changing a little at a time creates consistency and consistency is what forms habits. That is what your new changes need to become -- a habit, something you always find yourself doing. That is how I lost weight. That is how I fell in love with exercising. That is how I changed the way I look at myself. Those positive changes that resulted into new habits are what make it easier for me to reset my mind and fall back into a healthy structure. 

So, here we go. From my oily, greasy hair that is carelessly thrown into a bun with my coffee stained pants, I say Happy 2015 and let's make it the best yet. 

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Updates: 2014 Reflections and The Holiday Season

Well hello little blog of mine.

It has been over a month since I provided an update on life's current happenings. I am still here and life is still proceeding as it has been since last month.

Before I get into life, I want to share someone with you guys...

This is my amazing boyfriend, Johnathan. A little over a month ago, we made it "official". I can honestly say that I have never been happier. If you read my blog (or haven't yet, you can go through the archives) you know that 2014 has been an extremely difficult, productive, hard, exhausting year. However, I have grown tremendously as a woman and as an adult. Though it was a difficult year, I pushed on and tried to do the best that I could. Patience is not my virtue, but this year, I did not have a choice but to live patiently -- optimistically hoping that everything would eventually fall into place.

It has.

Life has been wonderful, but busier than ever. I have been with my best friend every single day. It is so refreshing to be in a relationship to where you feel like a team. It feels like I have gotten to know someone that I haven't seen in 100 years. It feels like I have always known him. He makes all of the pain that I went through worth it. I would live through everything again if it would lead me to this point. Since day one, we have been inseparable. He is so kind. He is hilarious. He is so smart; he knows so many random facts about random things and it's so fun. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman that ever walked on this planet. He thinks I am most beautiful when I do not have a drop of makeup on. 

I never thought I would be saying that.

We have traveled a lot and made so many memories in the time that he and I have been together. It makes every day that much better. Monotonous tasks aren't so boring anymore. The sun shines just a little brighter. 

Work is still busier than ever. Honestly, I wish it would slow down just a tad so at the end of the day I would not feel so tired. However being overly busy is better than the alternative in my opinion, so I will take it. 

I still make my healthy foods and exercise, I have just been a lot more lax about it than normal. To my surprise, I have not gained a pound. I haven't lost either, but I have maintained. I am happy about that. November and December were lax months for me in the health and fitness department. I have been off of my schedule and just "going with the flow". I am unapologetic about it as well. I needed it. It felt good. I am only human and to be able to "let loose", enjoy my new relationship, make sure I do a great job at work, and enjoy my free time a little more has been absolutely wonderful.

On the contrary, I miss blogging. I miss writing and I am so excited to be back! I have lots of ideas, recipes, and topics I can't wait to write about it. As always, if there is anything specific you want to know or have me write about, please leave me a comment or email me and I will be happy too. 

I will have new fitness challenges coming up when I get my to structured schedule of work, blogging, and losing my last 30 pounds! It isn't just me anymore; I now have a partner and he is not the biggest fan of healthy eating (damn him, he is so fit and eats whatever the hell he wants, ha!) so it is challenging balancing all of that now and being a good partner. And truth be told, I welcome it. It will be another phase for me to write about it -- another way for me to grow, become stronger, and continue to fight and permanently overcome my past eating and body disorders. 

I am so, so excited for 2015, and for all of my friends and readers, thank you for staying by my side throughout my absence. There are thousands of blogs one can put their energy into and you guys continue to come back and check on me on a regular basis. It means the world to me. 

I have lots of new content and adventures coming your way and I thrilled to write about and share this new chapter of my life with you all.

I have not been checking emails regularly over the past 2 months, but I will be now. Please bare with me over this next week as I catch up and email everyone back. Please also feel free to email me now if you would like! Liz@TheFitnessBlondie.com -and- Business@TheFitnessBlondie.com.

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Life's Journey Lately

Blogging and social media are ambiguous. On one side, I love sharing random pictures and writings of my daily life happenings - even the most monotonous that I get poked fun at. Additionally, I enjoy looking into everyone's lives: because of curiosity, to find new beauty tricks,  see new products, and/or find motivation, etc. 

On the other side, sometimes I just want to be quiet. Sometimes I do not want to share about my life, what I am doing, and things like that. When that happens, people close to me or who read here regularly get concerned. It makes me emotional because I am still in awe that people read and follow my writings. I will never get over that either. I will never stop thanking people for reading, believing in me and seeing the good even when I can't. 

Lately I have been in one of the "hermit" moods. My state of mind where I do not want to "publicly" share what is going on. There is not anything wrong, I have just felt in the mood to keep to myself a little more. Being the extrovert I am and how open I have been, I know that may sound odd, but I consider it a "phase". 

I feel as if I am starting a new journey in life. I am finally free of heartache and the life I had. It took one freaking year, but I can tell you, I am absolutely free of it. Now that the smoke around me has finally settled and I can see through clear eyes, I feel different. 

I do not feel weighed down by chains. I absolutely still have my inner demons that come to play more often than not, but I do not have the chains of putting myself, my heart, and my dreams last because I cared more about another person. 

I have not felt this way in over 3 years.

For the most part of this year, I have worked. All of my my time has been spent by working my regular job with a lot of overtime and extra dedication, growing "Fitness Blondie" and not just as a blog, and starting a novel. Plus, numbing myself. Most of the time the only way I could do that was by working.

It is a lot. It's productive and it is essential to me as single woman who is solely responsibility for everything in life, but it is exhausting. At first, I had no balance and I wore myself out tremendously. After I recovered, I proceeded to get better at finding a balance. 

Then a couple of weeks ago, I found myself begging internally for a break. My regular job is busier than ever with everyone more stressed than ever. That is what pays my bills and allows me to have a roof over my head, so it must come first. After the work day is done, I am craving fun and adventure -- more than just a Saturday night. 

Thus I have been going out a lot lately; doing different things. Surprisingly, getting back to my "country" roots some. I have made a ton of new friends. I have laughed and made fun memories, and I have enjoyed myself. 

On the contrary, I know that I have to get back down to business so I don't lose you guys, and I definitely will. I am still here. I have just needed a break. 

Since writing is my outlet, my escape, my high, and everything in between, I have been working hard on my novel. I enjoy that a lot because it is only me and my characters. It almost feels like when I am writing, I am in another world. I like that. 

I have also had this awful cold for over a week and a half now. It is about to drive me insane since there is nothing you can do but stay loaded up on over the counter medications until it passes.

I also got my hair done Monday. I am back to my blonde with red streaks... except there was a problem. My best friend/stylist's sink was clogged up when she was rinsing my color and she did not know it. Thus the rinsed red die was still in the bowl as she was taking out my blonde foils. The result? Pink everywhere. We spent last night trying to do as much damage control as we could, but I am now officially a hot mess. Now I just have to wait for it to fade. I will post a picture when I get the guts.

Other than that, I have truly just been trying to figure things out. I feel different and I feel like I am starting a new chapter and new journey with life. It's exciting, intriguing and still a bit scary. But I have come to realize that I do not have all the answers, and sometimes, I just have to take my feelings and plans one day at a time. Through realizing this, it prompted me to keep to myself a little more than normal. 

I'm still here though, I am just finding that balance (especially with work stress) and I am excited for my friends and readers to go through this journey with me. Like I always say: weight loss, fitness, life... we're all in this together. 

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3 Ways I Help Myself When I Lose My Weigh (Get it?)

The real world has been kicking my butt this week. I am so, so tired. I normally thrive and appreciate the hectic days in my office, but this week they are drowning me. I am normally liberated at new blogging opportunities and posts, but this week they are exhausting me. My mom was in town Monday through yesterday, which helped, and was so nice to have. I let loose a little and enjoyed time with her. 

What has been bothering me most-- a lot of the reason why I am more tired than usual, and why I have had so much trouble sleeping lately is my RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). I was diagnosed in February. I started showing symptoms a year before though, but they were sporadic and did not happen often. At the time, I attributed the symptoms to overworking myself at the gym. 

It feels like ever since I was diagnosed I have issues nearly every night when I get into bed, which is horrible for me because I absolutely love sleep, and I ensure I get plenty of it nightly. It is rare that I let anything interfere with my sleep schedule. For my RLS, I have been on prescribed medication from my doctor as well engaging in a plethora of "home remedies" that my friends and readers have advised to me. Most of the time, that entire combination helps, but sometimes it doesn't. 

Saturday and last night it did not. I was up all night in so much pain. It is so hard to describe the pain to people: it is not an ache or pulled muscle type of pain, it is nerve pain. It is agony to lay still. The only relief I find is when I get up and walk around; which last night I did until 2 in the morning. By then, all of my sleep medication kicked in and knocked me out. Which is great, but I have felt horrible today: fatigued, unable to concentrate, falling asleep at my desk, and my RLS pain is still active. It carried on from the night and is still hurting as I am in my office. I keep getting up to stretch my legs that provides provides relief, but the pain sneaks right back in when I become still. 

Being sleep deprived affects me more than others sometimes. A lot of people are used to it, and their bodies and mind have adjusted. Unfortunately, I am not at that stage. Since I am a very high energy, outgoing, nonstop kind of person, I wear myself out a lot. I have admitted that on here many times. My remedy is sleep. When I am deprived from this, I can maybe be a bit dramatic and overbearing. Hell, I may even act like a 2 year old who needs a nap. I admit it, though. I am not proud. It is just one of my many flaws. 

I was dealing with the sleep deprivation over the weekend and on Monday and now I am back again plowing through it today. When I feel this way, it makes me lose sight of everything. I am a person who has never had balance in their life. It has always been all or nothing. Thus, over the past year, I have been working extensively to teach myself a life balance. 

I have gotten so, so much better, but I am still not where I want to be.

When I find myself slipping and losing my way-- losing vision of my goals, I need motivation to help me get over this internal negativity. 

Below is what I have done to help lately. It may be "over the top" to some, but for me, it's perfect. I am a woman on a mission, I am a woman who is fighting emotional eating, and I am a woman who still has 30 pounds to lose. I am also a woman who is working on improving the way I handle tasks and stress. 

Some of us truly need this extra, grandiose motivation. 

Food Motivation:

Print that picture above (I think the black background and white font just make it so intense and like it's really challenging you) and put it on your refrigerator, near your purse and/or wallet, at your desk-- wherever you need too. 

It may sound silly, but I promise you it works. There is nothing quite like reaching for that slice of chocolate cake after you already had a slice yesterday, and seeing something like that. It ruins the mood. It kills the cravings.

I am all about losing weight the healthy way-- a person needs their occasional bad food and cheat meal(s), however, if you're like me and stress eat, binge when life gets hard, or just have an issue with saying "no" to bad foods more often than you want to admit, something like this will help. It is a reminder of the measures you are taking to try and lose weight and become healthier.

Seeing something that like that puts my journey into perspective for me when a bad day or overbearing food craving start to take over and cloud my judgement.

Exercise Motivation:

I love to exercise. The high that comes from sweating and pushing your body's limits while blasting your favorite music, to me, is indescribable. I absolutely love training. 

But sometimes, my case of the "blah's" after a long day of work or stress, outweigh my my love for exercise. That is when I have to dig deep inside of myself and kick my own ass. Which is unbelievably hard as I am sure most of you know. That is why it can be so difficult to stay motivated.

When this happens, you have to look deep within yourself. It is not easy. This is the number 1 one reason why so many people give up on their weight loss journey: the lack of self-motivation. Motivation cannot be bought. Motivation cannot be taken with a glass of water to start your day each morning. 

Motivation comes from constantly cheering yourself on and making yourself mentally stronger. That is why I think the above picture is perfect to print and keep for those days when you lose sight, and most importantly, when you lose hope.

• I started because everyday I could not look in the mirror without crying.
• I would shower with the lights off because my naked body disgusted me. 
• I started because I was in Target trying on a size 18 in pants that did not fit and I broke down. 
• I started because I felt so tired all of the time. 
• I started because my passion and work ethic for life dissipated on a daily basis..
• I started because I wanted to FEEL good about myself.

When I remember how bad I used to feel, and how desperately I wanted to change, it helps me push on. I may be weary, I may be cussing and crying, but I push on. 

Eventually, you reach the finish line. You pushed yourself: you made healthy choices, and you attended that workout you so vehemently wanted to miss. That is when everything changes. The endorphin's are pumping, your confidence is built back up, and you now how the strength to keep going. 

Goal Motivation

There is nothing that makes a journey so real than seeing what you could be-- what you WILL be. One thing I have done for years now and continue to do, is carry pictures of my favorite fitness inspirations; be it on my phone, on my refrigerator, desk, or somewhere in my home. My two favorite women are Ava Cowan and Pauline Nordin. They remind me that what I want is possible if I work hard enough. When my passion for fitness began in late 2008, those two women stood out to me more in the magazines than anyone else. I have been inspired ever since. 

If they can do it, damn it, so can I. They are women and I am a woman. It's simple-- if I put in the work and dedication, I will get the same results.

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