The Designated Drunk: Your 2016 American Cup Drinking Game

As usual, play at your own risk!

Take A Big Gulp Whenever…

• Al Trautwig fucks up Nastia Liukin's name on air. (He does it at least once per broadcast.)
   
• It sounds like Nastia is whispering into the microphone.
   
• Al Trautwig makes an awkward comment on a gymnast's body. For example, "Look at the muscles in her forearms absolutely rippling."
   
• Nastia and Tim begin to reminisce about the glory days when they still wore grips and leotards.
   
• Tim Daggett says, "That's bad."
   
• Tim Daggett says, "Not good."
   
• Tim Daggett says, "Let's see here."
   
• A commentator uses the word "prestigious" to describe this meet.
   
• A commentator mentions the word "Olympics." (You're going to be so drunk. Happy Saturday!)
   
• Someone on social media calls Carlotta Ferlito a racist.
   
• Someone on social media says that the Americans were overscored.
   
• Someone on social media says that Gabby threw shade at Sophina and her floor routine.
  

  @GymCastic tell the Gymternet that if they think any of the elites were hating on NCAAs today in the mix zone, they're dead ass wrong.

  — Will Graves (@WillGravesAP) March 3, 2016

• A gymnast does an aerial front walkover.
   
• A male gymnast does a double pike dismount off parallel bars.
   
• A female gymnast does a double pike on floor.
   
• A gymnast does a stalder.
   
• A gymnast does a vault with some twists. (I'm trying to get you drunk, if you can't tell.)
   
• Nastia tries to comment on men's gymnastics and fails.

Finish Your Drink When…

• The broadcast opens with a view of the Prudential Center, followed by a shot of Gabby Douglas winning the 2012 all-around title.
   
• Nile Wilson is bumped from the competition. Because Max Whitlock. (Seriously, if this comes true, I will die of a rage stroke.)
   
• A commentator mentions the Fierce 5.
   
• A commentator talks about McKayla Maroney saying goodbye to competition. (Tears make for a great mixer.)
   
• A commentator talks about Kyla Ross retiring from elite gymnastics. (SLOPPY. TEARS. are an even better mixer.)
   
• Gabby Douglas talks about Simone Biles pushing her.
   
• The camera awkwardly pans to a gymnast's butt or crotch.
   
• A commentator mentions the Amanar, even though no one is competing the vault at this meet.
   
• A male gymnast does the "man wipe" in the corner before his final tumbling pass. He probably could use a drink right now, so you probably should help him out.
   
• A female gymnast does a leap out of a tumbling pass. (Warning: If she goes out of bounds on that leap, you should probably giggle and then have two drinks.)
   
• You see a ring leap that you wouldn't want to put a ring on. (Gabby on beam. There, I said it.)
  
• A part of you misses seeing Aimee Boorman and her perfect hair on your screen.
  

  @yoEv how's my hair??? pic.twitter.com/4UusV9M5G1

  — Aimee B (@Salto_Coach) March 3, 2016

Take Three Big Gulps When…

• The Holy Trinity of the American Cup appears on your screen – Mary Lou Retton (Father), Carly Patterson (Son), and Nastia Liukin (Holy Ghost).

For the Designated Drunks out There, Chug Whenever…

• Tim Daggett says the word "tenth" or "tenths."

 Suggested Drinks

• New Jersey's blueberry wine -- because the sweetest year is the Olympic year.
• New Jersey's Applejack -- because who doesn't want to watch jacked gymnasts perform incredible feats, while you get so drunk that you can barely walk? #LifeGoals
• Jack Rose -- because hot pink nation.

How to Watch the 2016 American Cup

• Competition: Saturday, March 5
• 11:30am-1pm ET, liveextra.nbcsports.com
• 1pm-3pm ET, NBC

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Tanked: The Unofficial Drinking Game for the 2015 P&G Championships

1. Slurp down a "Red-Headed Slut" every time you see Christian Gallardo on your screen.

Okay, okay, okay, I know nothing about Christian's sexual proclivities. But you have to admit you weren't expecting that opening, were you? 

2. Whenever the commentators say "Road to Rio," pound a Caipirinha. Then, yell, "We gotta make it to Scotland first, Jerkface!" at your screen!

3. After yelling at your screen, pound a shot of Scotch Whisky in honor of your forgotten Scottish brethren.

4. If Mykayla Skinner wears a "shamrock green" leotard during the second day of competition, pound another Scotch Whisky, spin around 5 times, do a one-armed Cheng over your kitchen counter, and see if you can find Scotland on a map. (Pro tip: Don't confuse it with Ireland.)

5. If Ms. Key has a good routine, mix a little Bailey's into your coffee, and enjoy the warmth.

6. If Ms. Key has a bad routine, make yourself a "Bailey's Comet," and light that shit on fire!

7. Whenever a gymnast does a Ferrari leap, have yourself a Mojito. As you know, the Mojito is the bane of any bartender's existence – just as the Ferrari leap is the bane of any gym nerd's existence. 

8. Finish your drink whenever someone confuses Gabby Douglas with Nia Dennis on social media.

9. Pound a "Fuzzy Navel" every time a gymnast arches and sticks out his/her belly button in a handstand.

10. Do a keg stand throughout the entirety of Andrea Joyce's awkward interviews. Who knows? Maybe her interviews will be more enjoyable upside down?

11. Have yourself an "Angry German" whenever you see a male gymnast with a "Hitler Youth" haircut. (You're going to get so tanked.)

12. Shocking! A male gymnast is doing a "man wipe" on floor. Looks like he could use a Vodka-Redbull to perk himself up. Why don't you have one for him?

13. Even more shocking! Tim Daggett (or Evan Heiter or Raj Bhavsar) didn't dumb-down men's gymnastics, and he actually used the eponymous name of a skill! Take a big gulp of your favorite drink, and savor this moment!

14. BARF! A gymnast just did a release with flexed feet! Drown your sorrows in whatever's closest to you!

15. OUCH! Take an "Anus Burner" tequila shot every time you see a wolf turn.

16. If someone starts whining about the lack of artistry these days, throw an "Old Fashioned" in his/her face.

17. "Butt chug" a beer whenever a gymnast falls on his/her buttocks. (It's okay if you don't know what "butt chugging" is. I just learned the term this week, and I don't think that I recommend it.)

18. Take a big gulp whenever the commentators use the word "capable."

19. Take an even bigger gulp whenever someone on social media uses the word "potential."

20. Take an even bigger gulp whenever Sam Peszek doesn't laugh at one of Evan Heiter's jokes during the webcast.

21. Take the biggest gulp of your whole life when Nastia paraphrases whatever Tim Daggett just said.

22. When you're really, really drunk and you feel like you can't stand up anymore, Snapchat your friends. Send them a video of you gymitating your favorite choreography. If it's Simone's, you must purr excessively.

(Alternatively, if you're at a wedding, just do back handsprings right into an unsuspecting guest's face. Take off your shirt if you want it to be extra special.)

23. What's that? Simone Biles just won her third-consecutive Nationals? In honor of her three-peat have a "Three Wise Men."

24. Make that a double if Sam Mikulak wins his third-consecutive Nationals.

The usual disclaimer: I, Uncle Tim, will not be held responsible if you die playing this game. You're a fool if you try.

How to Watch the P&G Championships?

Or visit http://www.pgchamps.com/live

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Sexy Data Dump

During the World Championships, I made many, many charts for GymCastic, and they need to live somewhere. So, why not my blog?

Click on the images to make them larger.

1. A breakdown of the execution scores during the men's all-around.

2. A breakdown of the difficulty scores during the men's all-around.

People need to stop talking about how difficulty always trumps execution.

3. How did our top men do last year during the all-around finals?

Holy upgrades, Max Whitlock! And holy improvement, Oleg!

In the words of Oleg, "Next year I should focus more on the all-around because it is high time, high time indeed."

If we start praying now, gymternet, the gym gods are bound to give in and find a place for Oleg on the podium in 2015!

4. A comparison of 2013's floor scores vs. 2014's floor scores

Sometimes, I wonder, "Would that score been medal-worthy last year?" I decided to make some charts to find out.

Has Shirai grown? Or why is he having troubles keeping his tumbling passes within the lines?

5. …and the same for pommel horse…

If your leg cuts don't look like Berki's, you're doing it wrong.

6. …and the same for rings…

This was one of the closest finals! But I do wish that the judges had drawn clearer distinctions between routines. In a field of 8, should there really be 2 ties?

7. …and the same for vault…

Ri Se Gwang, I'll donate my foot bones to you!

8. …and the same for parallel bars…

All my prayers finally paid off! Oleg produced the most beautiful routine of the entire World Championships! (Sorry, Kohei-Lovers! But Oleg was sublime!)

If you don't like this routine, you have no soul.

9. …and the same for high bar…

Epke, your execution is improving!

Even though girls have cooties…

I did make some WAG sexy data!

1. How did our top women do last year during the all-around finals?

Vanessa Ferrari with the upgrades. Simone Biles with the consistency. Kyla Ross and Aliya Mustafina with the injuries and the downgrades. :(

2. A comparison of 2013's vault scores vs. 2014's vault scores

Praise the gym gods! There were no injuries during women's vault this year!

And this chart makes you wonder, Does McKayla Maroney really need to upgrade her second vault in order to stay competitive?

3. …and one of the women's bars…

The women are upping the ante on bars! A high 14 is no longer going to put you in medal contention!

4. …and one of the women's beam…

If Kharenkova can get it together next year (and stay away from the Russian Vortex of Injuries), women's beam should be one of the more exciting finals next year. *Fingers crossed*

5. …and one of the women's floor…

An 8.933 in execution on floor in the current state of gymnastics? SPLIT LEAPS TIMES INFINITY!

Oh, and if you get extremely nationalistic about gymnastics meets…

Here's the MAG medal count…

And here's the WAG medal count…

Yet again, there's more diversity on the men's side.

Other tidbits…

• The FIG has released the official results book
• Bruno Grandi is talking about changing the scoring system… AGAIN!

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