Betrunken: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Women's Gymnastics at Rio 2016

Heart palpitations. Sweaty palms. Nervous diarrhea. These are the slings and arrows of a gymnastics fan during the Olympics.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. At least, that's what Valentina Rodionenko told me in a dream last night, and everything that comes out of Valentina's mouth is true. (*Cough* Nabieva's perpetual retirement. *Cough*)

So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

If you don't know who Larisa Latynina is, take a big gulp.

If you don't know how many Olympic medals Larisa Latynina won, take 18 gulps.

If you can't name all the female gymnasts on the Chinese Olympic team, who are you? What are your priorities in life? And why aren't you taking a shot?

If this advertisement of Nastia and her fiancé, Matt, makes you question your sexuality, good. It should. You're invited to my house to drink.

See you down here soon (in real life lol) @NastiaLiukin! #ThatsGold 🏅🇧🇷 pic.twitter.com/RAdNyQEsHe

— Melina B. (@melimuses) August 1, 2016

All right, that was your podium training. Now, you're ready to start the drinking game…

It's time to go 4 for 4, and trust in your training, and just be best friends…

Whenever you see your favorite gymnast, pump your fist in the air and yell the gymnast's name. Then, take three sips and pretend like nothing happened.

If you signed the Change.org petition for Laurie, throw alcohol in your eyes. The gymternet has hit peak crazy.

I'm not saying that Laurie is a bad gymnast. I understand where all these feelings are coming from, but a Change.org petition is a bit much.

Every time someone does a wolf turn, pop a squat. Last person squatting has to do a shot.

OK - it's no secret: I came up JUST short of my #Rio2016 #goals. Thank you, @Salto_Coach, for the mems & the wolves. pic.twitter.com/4NNnC150Ld

— Evan Heiter (@yoEv) July 28, 2016

What's that? A view of Cristo Redentor on your screen? Stand up, throw your arms out to the side, and do your best Arthur Nory impression.

Waterfall during any fluff piece. To up your difficulty score, connect your waterfall to crying for +0.3 CV.

If someone confuses the Downies, throw your drink at the person.

If someone confuses Gabby and Simone, spit your drink in the person's face.

Eff your life. Someone asks, "Where's McKayla Maroney?" That person is cut off. Done. Never invited to another party.

Any use of the word "fire" or a fire metaphor = Drink.

Examples: "She has fire in her eyes" or "That was a dumpster fire."

Any comparison to one of those silly ball sports = Drink.

Examples: "She's the Michael Jordan of gymnastics."

Take a drink for every gymnast who gets two-per-countried out of a final.

Whenever there's dramatic breath-ography or theatric arm waving, take a shot and yell, "But it's soooooooo artistic!"

Yes, I realize that this gif is not from a routine. I'm just giving you an example of what it might look like.

During commercial breaks, play choreography charades. You do the gymnast's famous choreography. Your team guesses the gymnast.

"I'd rather regret the risks that didn't work out than the chances I didn't take at all." ~ Simone Biles ❤️ @simonebiles In honor of the start of The Olympic Games, here's to the reigning 3x AA champion. Better known as the "Queen of Gymnastics." 👑✨ (Special shoutout to my teammate Joey for the tremendous patience and cheering!😂 @joeybonanno)

A video posted by Paris McGee Jr. (@callme_eiffel) on Aug 5, 2016 at 3:43pm PDT

If a gymnast sprints halfway across the floor for a leap, run a lap around your living room. It'll help you sober up.

If you use a nickname that is unrelated to a gymnast's birth name, take a shot while your friends whip you with wet noodles.

Examples include: Pocket Rocket, Grandma, the Queen, Fierce Five, Flying Squirrel, Baby Shakira, GlamSquad, etc.

If a gymnast performs to an overused piece of music (e.g. Moulin Rouge, Carmen, Requiem for a Dream, etc.), finish your drink.

When someone (perhaps International Gymnast) spreads rumors, stand up and shout, "HOW DARE YOU!" Then, take a drink and stare at your computer with Mustafina murder eyes.

Any time someone comments on a gymnast's hair, yell, "AIMEE BOORMAN'S HAIR IS BETTER!" And take a drink for Aimee.

Not sure how to watch? Elizabeth Grimsley has you covered.

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Borracho: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Men's Gymnastics at the Rio Olympics

Men's gymnastics meets are the best. But they're also several hours long, which means that they can be a little exhausting for the average joe, especially if you're sitting through a full day of qualifications.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

If you can't name every member of the Japanese men's team, take a big gulp for each gymnast you can't name.

WTF. These photos even make Ryohei Kato look bad!

If you don't know the difference between a Tsukahara and a Kasamatsu on vault, take another big gulp.

If you didn't know how many Olympic medals Nikolai Andrianov won, take 15 gulps.

Yup, he won 15 Olympic medals.

All right, now, you're ready to start the drinking game…

It's time to go 6 for 6, and trust in your training…

Chug your drink any time you see a commercial for MORE Olympics coverage during a commercial break. #Meta

What's that? A view of Cristo Redentor on your screen? Stand up, throw your arms out to the side, and yell, "I'm Nastia… I mean, I'm Jesus!"

If you saw the 2012 Kellogg's Tour, you'll know what I'm talking about.

It starts around 2:16. This video does not do Nastia's Jesus moment justice.

Whenever a gymnast does a man wipe on floor, stand up on your chair, and man wipe like you're about to win the Olympic floor final. After dismounting your chair, salute the judges, sit down, and have a drink. You earned it, champ.

For the uninitiated in the ways of the wipe, we're not talking about these moist toilettes for your man bits.

We're talking about this.

If Kohei Uchimura shows up on your screen, don't drink. Play Pokemon Go.

It's not like he's good at gymnastics or anything. Why would you want to watch someone who made a name for himself by running up a $5,000 cell phone bill? Sad.

If a gymnast falls on high bar, drink until he remounts the apparatus.

Forced to watch someone chalk up? Waterfall drink until it's over.

You're going to die whenever the U.S. goes to parallel bars…

If your friends openly admit to liking Louis Smith's man bun, throw your drink at them.

Thoughts on Louis'a hair?

A photo posted by GymCastic Podcast (@gymcastic) on Aug 3, 2016 at 3:26pm PDT

If a friend passes out during the meet, shave a Sam Mikulak-style flag into the side of his or her head.

My barber hooked me up with a patriotic haircut ✂️🇺🇸😉👌#Ready4Rio pic.twitter.com/tKPjTLk2Es

— Sam Mikulak (@SamuelMikulak) July 24, 2016

During commercial breaks, play charades, and reenact your favorite Olympic moments of all times. The losing team has to clean up at the end of the night.

When a skill scares you, take a shot. Drinking is the original Xanax.

When a skill terrifies you, take two shots. Clearly, that first shot didn't work.

When death seems imminent, drink everything in sight.

IGOR!

Every time the broadcast shows a team huddle, fly into a huddle in your living room. Last person in the huddle has to take a drink.

Whenever there's marching, form a line in your living room. First person in line gets to choose what the last person in line has to drink.

If someone explains the scoring system to you, roll your eyes, huff loudly, and take a very large gulp.

If a gymnast falls off pommel horse, throw yourself to the ground out of sympathy. Have a drink for that poor lad while you're lying on the floor.

If you believe in artistry, fall gracefully with pointed toes. Otherwise, swear like you're Yin Alvarez as you drop to the ground.

Whenever Jake Dalton flexes his Corgi-sized biceps, take two sips – one for each bicep.

If Jake's not competing, feel free to swap in Sam Mikulak, Fabian Hambuechen, Igor Radivilov, etc. etc. etc. Anyone whose biceps are bigger than your head.

Men hugging? Sweet. Cuddle with the dude next to you, and take a bromance shot together. 

Make sure your arms are intertwined like pretzels, and you stare longingly into each others' eyes.

At the end of the competition, write a drunken fan letter to your favorite gymnast. Take a picture of it. And post it on social media. (Try to remember not to tag your favorite gymnast. That would be awkward.)

Not sure how to watch the Olympics? Check here for details.

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Plastered: The Ultimate Olympic Trials Drinking Game

Guys, this is Marta Karolyi's last Olympic Trials. It's time to lock the doors, put on your old competition leotard, and find out whether the team really is Simone, Gabby, Aly, Laurie, and Madison.

If you want to celebrate this anticlimactic event, get your fellow gym nerds together and play a little drinking game. If you have some "Count Karolyi" on hand (see above), great. If not, use whatever you have in the house.

Remember that it's not about perfect. Your goal is to show that your liver and tear ducts are 90% ready for Rio.

Let's get plastered!

Every time you see Marta Karolyi, take five sips.

If Marta speaks on camera, take ten sips.

Whenever you see Laurent Landi on screen, you must repeat whatever the commentators are saying at that moment. But you must do so in a sultry, "phone sex operator" voice.

Side note: The gymternet needs more Laurent Landi gifs.

If you see Kittia Carpenter, yell, "Arms!" First person to yell "Arms" gets to choose a friend to chug their drink.

If you have no clue what I'm talking about, here's the backstory: When Gabby couldn't make her standing full on Douglas Family Gold, Kittia would yell, "Arms!"

That's it. Just "Arms!"

A+ Olympic coaching right there. Gallardo should take over that operation. STAT.

Any time someone complains about a gymnast's form (probably Aly's), throw your drink at the person, and say, "Marta has never cared about form."

Every time someone does a wolf turn, pop a squat. Last person squatting does a shot.

If NBC shows Emily Schild, Christina Desiderio, Brenna Dowell, Amelia Hundley, or Rachel Gowey, clap and drink simultaneously.

If someone says "reigning World Champion" or "reigning Olympic Champion," yell, "America! F*ck yeah!" Then, knock on wood while chugging whatever's in sight. 

"I'm your queen, gymternet!" pic.twitter.com/FK8qtrFVmO

— Uncle Tim (@uncletimmensgym) June 25, 2016

If someone says that Gabby and Aly are too old, cut them off. They don't deserve to drink with you. Or better yet, push them out a window.

Every time there's an awkward exchange between Al Trautwig and Nastia, drink until it's over. (Nastia wishes she could be drinking with you.)

Whenever Al or Tim is a massive wanker, swear at the TV and take a sip.

If there's a mention of the Magnificent 7, stand up and do your favorite Atlanta choreography. Then, take a shot.

There are just so many gems to choose from!

If there's a mention of the Fierce 5, sing "Home." If you don't know the words, drink until your friends stop singing.

If someone says that America is weak on bars, roll your eyes, and take a shot for Madison Kocian.

If you don't feel drunk enough, get your Party Raisman on.

Tune in on Friday, July 8, on NBC at 9:00pm ET or watch live online. Then, tune in again on Sunday, July 10, on NBC at 8:30pm ET or watch live online.

Note: The USOC owns the rights to all Olympic Trials in the United States. USA Gymnastics cannot post videos from the meet on YouTube. So, you will need a cable account. Ask your family, friends, coworkers, and Tinder acquaintances for theirs.

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Natty Light: The Unofficial NCAA Regional Drinking Game

Maybe you're in college. Maybe you graduated from college. Maybe you never went to college. It doesn't matter. Today, we do what college students do best – WE DRINK!

But before you get your 2012 Peter Michael Cabernet Sauvignon out of the wine fridge, remember this: college students have terrible taste in alcohol.

So, go to your local liquor store and buy the cheapest, shittiest beer you can find. And let's have some fun and make poor life decisions.

Sound good?

Do a Keg Stand Whenever…

• A commentator uses a "but softener" – "She fell, but it was a great routine."
    
• A gymnast misses a handstand on bars. Show 'em how it's done!
    
• A gymnast shockingly takes a step on her double front dismount off bars.
    
• Risa Perez smiles.
   
• A UCLA gymnast gets a redo.
   
• Tabitha Yim's hair is on point. (Has she ever had a bad hair day in her adult life?)
   
• Bridget Sloan does Bridget Sloan things and gets Bridget Sloan scores. (Interpret that as you wish.)
   
• A gymnast incorporates her mascot into her floor routine.
  
  Gator Chomp? Keg stand.
  LSU tiger paw? Keg stand.
  Minnesota doing gopher imitations? Keg stand.
  
  
  
  

Slam a Natty Light (Sorry, College Kids Have Terrible Taste in Beer) When…

• A gymnast does a "butt-head" salute.
  
  You know the type. You get stress fractures just from watching the gymnast arch her head into her butt.
    
• There's a fake stick.
  
  You're going to need two cases of Natty Light. Minimum.
  
  
  
  
   
• A gymnast gets unofficial "difficulty bonus" for her Yurchenko 1.5 or double-twisting Yurchenko.
    
• A gymnast does a Yurchenko "Arabian"
   
• A commentator talks about how a gymnast is "only a freshman."
   
• A commentator talks about artistry, and you roll your eyes so hard that you tear your extraocular muscles.
   
• A gymnast lunges out of her back tumbling, but her front foot slides backwards.
   
• At 5pm ET / 2pm PT.
  
  Three meets at once? You might need something stronger than Natty Light.
   
• A commentator mentions the elevation in Salt Lake City.
   
• A commentator talks about Megan Marsden as if her greatest accomplishment in life were marrying Greg Marsden.
  
  Dude, have you SEEN American Anthem?
  
  
  
  
• There's a rudi on floor.
  
   

Pound Some Jungle Juice Whenever…

• You see D-D Breaux's wearing her tiger prints. Roar.
  
  
  
  
• Greg Marsden uses the term "Stupid Six" on Twitter.
  
  
  
  
• A gymnast is half-assing. If the leotard would make Catalina Ponor blush, you're going to need something strong.
   
• A gymnast wobbles on her full turn on beam.
   
• A commentator uses the word "senior."
   
• A gymnast pauses during her acro series, but the judges give her credit anyway. (Sophina, I'm looking at you.)
   
• A floor routine opens with a double pike.
   
• A floor routine ends with a double pike.
   
• A team (probably Georgia) has a balance beam meltdown.
   
• Dana Duckworth gives someone the death stare.
   
• Dana Duckworth over-enunciates words during her interviews.
    
• Dana Duckworth is wearing some faux-dominatrix clothing.
    
• Elizabeth Price is a badass.
   
• Ivana Hong points her toes.
   
• You miss Kat Grable.

If You Have a Death Wish…

• Take one shot for every rhinestone that's on your favorite team's leotard. OU fans, it was nice knowing you.

Pound a Bottle of Jaegermeister if…

• A fight breaks out.
  
  Has there ever been a physical altercation at an NCAA meet? Tell your stories in the comments section below.

*As always, play at your own risk. You will die if you play this game as written.

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