Borracho: Your Unofficial Drinking Game for Men's Gymnastics at the Rio Olympics

Men's gymnastics meets are the best. But they're also several hours long, which means that they can be a little exhausting for the average joe, especially if you're sitting through a full day of qualifications.

But I'll let you in on an old Soviet secret: alcohol makes everything better. So, grab a couple friends and a whole lot of alcohol, and win that Olympic gold medal in drinking. YOU CAN DO IT!

If you can't name every member of the Japanese men's team, take a big gulp for each gymnast you can't name.

WTF. These photos even make Ryohei Kato look bad!

If you don't know the difference between a Tsukahara and a Kasamatsu on vault, take another big gulp.

If you didn't know how many Olympic medals Nikolai Andrianov won, take 15 gulps.

Yup, he won 15 Olympic medals.

All right, now, you're ready to start the drinking game…

It's time to go 6 for 6, and trust in your training…

Chug your drink any time you see a commercial for MORE Olympics coverage during a commercial break. #Meta

What's that? A view of Cristo Redentor on your screen? Stand up, throw your arms out to the side, and yell, "I'm Nastia… I mean, I'm Jesus!"

If you saw the 2012 Kellogg's Tour, you'll know what I'm talking about.

It starts around 2:16. This video does not do Nastia's Jesus moment justice.

Whenever a gymnast does a man wipe on floor, stand up on your chair, and man wipe like you're about to win the Olympic floor final. After dismounting your chair, salute the judges, sit down, and have a drink. You earned it, champ.

For the uninitiated in the ways of the wipe, we're not talking about these moist toilettes for your man bits.

We're talking about this.

If Kohei Uchimura shows up on your screen, don't drink. Play Pokemon Go.

It's not like he's good at gymnastics or anything. Why would you want to watch someone who made a name for himself by running up a $5,000 cell phone bill? Sad.

If a gymnast falls on high bar, drink until he remounts the apparatus.

Forced to watch someone chalk up? Waterfall drink until it's over.

You're going to die whenever the U.S. goes to parallel bars…

If your friends openly admit to liking Louis Smith's man bun, throw your drink at them.

Thoughts on Louis'a hair?

A photo posted by GymCastic Podcast (@gymcastic) on Aug 3, 2016 at 3:26pm PDT

If a friend passes out during the meet, shave a Sam Mikulak-style flag into the side of his or her head.

My barber hooked me up with a patriotic haircut ✂️🇺🇸😉👌#Ready4Rio pic.twitter.com/tKPjTLk2Es

— Sam Mikulak (@SamuelMikulak) July 24, 2016

During commercial breaks, play charades, and reenact your favorite Olympic moments of all times. The losing team has to clean up at the end of the night.

When a skill scares you, take a shot. Drinking is the original Xanax.

When a skill terrifies you, take two shots. Clearly, that first shot didn't work.

When death seems imminent, drink everything in sight.

IGOR!

Every time the broadcast shows a team huddle, fly into a huddle in your living room. Last person in the huddle has to take a drink.

Whenever there's marching, form a line in your living room. First person in line gets to choose what the last person in line has to drink.

If someone explains the scoring system to you, roll your eyes, huff loudly, and take a very large gulp.

If a gymnast falls off pommel horse, throw yourself to the ground out of sympathy. Have a drink for that poor lad while you're lying on the floor.

If you believe in artistry, fall gracefully with pointed toes. Otherwise, swear like you're Yin Alvarez as you drop to the ground.

Whenever Jake Dalton flexes his Corgi-sized biceps, take two sips – one for each bicep.

If Jake's not competing, feel free to swap in Sam Mikulak, Fabian Hambuechen, Igor Radivilov, etc. etc. etc. Anyone whose biceps are bigger than your head.

Men hugging? Sweet. Cuddle with the dude next to you, and take a bromance shot together. 

Make sure your arms are intertwined like pretzels, and you stare longingly into each others' eyes.

At the end of the competition, write a drunken fan letter to your favorite gymnast. Take a picture of it. And post it on social media. (Try to remember not to tag your favorite gymnast. That would be awkward.)

Not sure how to watch the Olympics? Check here for details.

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Quick Hits: Videos from the All-Japan Championships

Kohei Uchimura scored a 91.300 in the all-around, even though he fell on his Li Xiao Peng vault, which has always been somewhat questionable, and whacked his legs on the parallel bars. It's Kohei, though. The man can probably fart better than most of us.

I think that most gymnastics fans were surprised by Kenzo Shirai's second place finish. Known for his floor (16.500!!!)

and vault (only a 15.100),

Kenzo is thought of as an event specialist. Personally, I'm curious to see what his pommels and rings look like. If you find a video, please share!

Ryohei Kato, the reigning American Cup champion, came in third with an 89.400. (At the American Cup, he scored an 88.931. Pretty darn consistent.) His highest score of the day (15.400) came on floor:

His round-off technique drives me loopy. The skill tends to go around the side – rather than over his hands. Then again, I have no American Cup titles to my name, so I guess it works for him.

Fnally, we arrive at Yusuke Saito, who tied for fourth place with Yuya Kamoto. Guess what he did!

A BRETSCHNEIDER!

Can we send Oleg Verniaiev to Japan for a few weeks so that he can learn some real high bar releases?

I only want to watch high bar routines with Bretschneiders from now on.

Side note: WAG fans criticize uneven bar routines that rely too heavily on Tkatchev variations, but most MAG fans are okay with high bar routines that rely heavily on Kovacs variations. Are Kovacs just that much more badass than, say, a Church and a Ray and a Hindorff? Or why don't we criticize Kovacs-heavy high bar routines?

To watch more videos, check out this YouTube channel. Full results can be found here.

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Round 'Em up, Boys: 2015 Worlds Tidbits – October 20, 2015

Let's skip the 80s intro. Here are some tidbits on the men's side from Worlds…

1. I don't know what the German men have been doing, but it seems that they all have hand injuries.

Marcel Nguyen has a left middle finger injury. Andreas Bretschneider has a finger injury.

2. Check out this article on the Dutch gymnasts with eponymous skills. On the men's side, you have the Zonderland on parallel bars and the van Gelder on rings. For the WAG fans out there, they also mention the Wevers.

3. A breakdown of potential D-scores for Kohei Uchimura. The blog predicts around a 39.4 – provided that Kohei performs his Li Xiaopeng on vault.

4. Don't recognize most of the Italian men? It's okay. It's mostly a new crop of guys. Matteo Morandi had to have meniscus surgery, and Alberto Busnari, the pommel horse god, has been left home.

5. Ryohei Kato is at 80-90% after an ankle injury.

6. There was a long article on the Ukrainian men. Here are my key takeaways:

Oleg Verniaiev's legs are still bothering him. Unfortunately, his magical Israeli doctor hasn't been able to alleviate all his pain. It sounds like he won't have surgery until after the Olympics because he needs six months to recover.

In addition to talking extensively about the new floor mats, the gymnasts mention several empty promises from the Ukrainian sports federation. Radivilov, for instance, was promised housing in Donetsk after his bronze in the London Olympics. He's still waiting, and he ain't too happy.

At this time, neither Radivilov nor Oleg plans to leave the country. However, if things don't change after the Olympics, Oleg might venture elsewhere.

7. It has been 12 years since Cuba has competed at the World Championships.

For the gym nerds, here's a stroll down memory lane… At the 2001 and 2003 World Championships, Eric Lopez Rios finished 5th in the all-around. It'll be interesting to see if Manrique Larduet can top that.

So, welcome back, Cuba!

 9.637

9.600 + Uncle Tim bonus for the 'stache game

8. Brazil has confirmed what I wrote yesterday: Diego Hypólito is the alternate. No opportunity to defend his bronze on floor. BOO!

Arthur Nory, Caio Souza, Francisco Barretto, and Lucas Bitencourt will do the all-around. Zanetti will compete on floor, rings, and vault. Péricles da Silva will be on pommels, p-bars, and high bar.

9. Marian Dragulescu is a celebrity at Worlds. Everyone wants to hang out with him.

Amazing people series 😃👍 @Verniaiev_GyM #Glasgow2015 @UEGymnastics @FIG_media @InsideGym @GymnasticStrong #gymlife pic.twitter.com/dbOOmcIF7d

— Marian Dragulescu (@drmarian777) October 20, 2015

Nice to meet you again @mariandragulescu , old school gymnasts ha ha ha 😂😂😂 Good luck! #Glasgow2015 #2015wgc #gymnastics #Glasgow

A photo posted by Federico Molinari (@fdmolinari) on Oct 20, 2015 at 12:18pm PDT

Seriously, everyone…

Next session - bumped into an old face!

A photo posted by Scott Denny Hann (@scotthann) on Oct 20, 2015 at 6:37am PDT

10. You know what they say about a man who carries a big selfie stick, right?

Yeah, nor do I… But Team GB is obsessed with their selfie sticks. How many Crown Jewels must I donate to get a picture of Team GB + the Queen, while the Queen holds the selfie stick?

Selfie stick game strong 💪🏼

A photo posted by Brinn Bevan (@brinnbevan) on Oct 20, 2015 at 8:06am PDT

11. I love how the U.S. gymnasts look like they are about to have a snowball fight.

USA MAN'S GYMNASTICS World Team 3rd day training Yeessooo!

A photo posted by Yin Alvarez (@coachyinsanity) on Oct 20, 2015 at 5:22am PDT

…and then, they're like, "Just kidding! ESPN Body Issue, call us."

Team Work USA World Team at the training hall in Glasgow Yeessooo!

A photo posted by Yin Alvarez (@coachyinsanity) on Oct 20, 2015 at 5:27am PDT

12. Finally, a few training videos.

First up, Danell Leyva. I've always loved the rhythm of his pirouetting skills on p-bars, and I'd love to see him medal again this year.

I wish that he could find the same rhythm on his Rybalko on high bar.

Awesome p-bars training from @danelljleyva! More on our website, InsideGym.com!

A video posted by Inside Gymnastics (@insidegym) on Oct 20, 2015 at 1:49pm PDT

The Glasgow Worlds will be Brinn Bevan's first big meet as a senior. Here are some of his highlights from training today:

A few clips from our first day of training @2015wgc @elite_gymwear @thehardwaytosuccess

A video posted by Brinn Bevan (@brinnbevan) on Oct 20, 2015 at 4:52am PDT

Look for Brinn's huge Tsuk double pike!

My vault from the Final control comp today before we head off to @2015wgc

A video posted by Brinn Bevan (@brinnbevan) on Oct 18, 2015 at 12:36pm PDT

Reiss Beckford, who will be representing Jamaica, uploaded some highlights of his training, which included a big ol' Cassina:

Good 1st Day Training, Ready For Podium Training Tomorrow! @turngymnastics #JAMnast #TeamJamaica #glasgow2015gymnastics

A video posted by Reiss❌Beckford (@reissbeckford) on Oct 20, 2015 at 12:54pm PDT

That's it for today! Feel free to leave a comment and share any videos, articles, or pictures that you ran across today!

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2014 Men's World Team Finals: When Difficulty Edges Out Execution

At the 2004 Olympics, Marian Dragulescu performed his eponymous vault. He completed it nearly flawlessly and earned a 9.900, a ginormous score at the time. For his second vault, Dragulescu did a Kaz 1.5. But he went over the lines, put both hands to the mat, and stepped off the vault mats.

Magically, Dragulescu still scored a 9.325 on his second vault. Many thought that Dragulescu should have scored a maximum of 9.100 on the Kasamatsu. The Canadian gymnastics federation lodged a protest on behalf of Kyle Shewfelt who was in fourth place. Two judges had given Dragulescu a 9.5 on his second vault, when there were clearly more than 0.5 in errors.

Adrian Stoica, a Romanian, was the FIG's Men's Technical Director at the time, and many believe that Dragulescu's score was a show of partisanship.

About today's results, Coach Rick on GymnasticsCoaching.com has said:

This is worse than the Uchimura pommel dismount scandal at the 2012 Olympics. 

On par with the Dragalescu 2nd Vault scandal at the 2004 Olympics. Four judges were sanctioned that time.

I had many feelings about this, as well.

China wins with a fall on floor and a pancake splat on p-bars. W.T.F.
— Uncle Tim (@uncletimmensgym) October 7, 2014

Had Kato not messed up his Tak 1/1…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… GAH!
— Uncle Tim (@uncletimmensgym) October 7, 2014

Overall, Japan was the more consistent team. But, with some distance between myself and the event, I can say that Japan had their fair share of mistakes and missed opportunities. Let's take a look at some numbers… 

As you can see, China performed more difficulty than Japan, especially on rings.

Event	CHN D-Score Avg.	JPN D-Score Avg.
Floor	6.633	6.900
Pommels	6.233	6.333
Rings	6.833	6.300
Vault	6.000	5.867
Parallel Bars	6.900	6.633
High Bar	7.100	6.733
Overall	6.617	6.461

Dang! The Chinese on rings are hot.

What the Japanese lacked in difficulty they made up in execution. Correction: almost made up in execution.

Event	CHN E-Score Avg.	JPN E-Score Avg.
Floor	8.289	8.677
Pommels	8.341	8.780
Rings	8.677	8.544
Vault	9.355	9.389
Parallel Bars	8.541	8.711
High Bar	8.219	8.222
Overall	8.571	8.721

Japan's execution scores, though better than China's, just weren't enough to overcome China's difficulty. Unfortunately, that's not where this story ends.

Like moths to a flame, gymnastics fans are attracted to the faintest whiff of controversy. If you look closely at the high bar execution scores, they are awfully close: an 8.219 average for China and an 8.222 average for Japan. On top of that, Zhang Chenglong's execution score was only 0.044 behind Kohei Uchimura's. (8.466 to 8.500.)

So, we sit down at our laptops and compare high bar routines in slow motion. We watch Kohei's routine:

Then, we watch Zhang Chenglong's routine:

And we compare pirouetting skills. How much did they twist? How crooked and whackadoodle were their swings out of the pirouettes?

vs.

And we'll compare release catches. How early did they catch? How bent were their arms? Did they almost kiss some pipe?

vs.

And, in the end, we, the couch gymnasts of the world, blame the judges.

(And some of us open up old wounds because we are masochistic like that. We remember that time, in 2011, when Zhang Chenglong was last to go on high bar. He managed to beat Epke Zonderland in Rotterdam. And we get our tighty whities in a bundle because "the judges really messed that one up.")

But we don't blame the gymnasts. We're reluctant to blame the gymnasts – when, to be quite frank, the Chinese team left the door wide open for Japan. And Japan tripped walking up the stairs.

Shirai Kenzo stepped out of bounds on floor. There went three tenths right there.

Ryohei Kato competed a 5.6 vault instead of his 6.0 vault. There go another four tenths right there. (Though, he did score a 14.966 in finals compared to his 14.866 in prelims.)

Yusuke Tanaka "bombed" parallel bars. He scored a 15.700 in prelims and only a 15.166 in finals. That's 0.534. (Personally, I would die a happy man if I scored a 15.166 on p-bars.)

Ryohei Kato missed his Adler 1/1 into his Yamawaki, dropping his difficulty score from a 6.4 to a 6.3. There's another tenth.

As I said on the Worlds preview show of GymCastic, the team title was Japan's to lose, and lost it they did.

That's right. The judges did not lose the meet. The gymnasts did.

Contrary to what we might believe, gymnasts do have agency in competitions. Contrary to what we might believe, gymnasts are not the marionettes of some maniacal puppeteer judges.

Sure, judges will mess up from time to time. They are human – just like the gymnasts. When it is crystal clear that the judges did mess up, they should be castigated.

But was Zhang Chenglong's high bar score as painfully wrong as the Marian Dragulescu's 2004 vault score situation?

No. De ninguna manera.

Don't be so dramatic.

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